I'm so over it. Everything. I'm tired of how my life is going right now. It's incredibly frustrating and I'm trying, really trying, to remain cool and composed in order to find a way back to stable ground, but that's not going too well. Yesterday I spent a good hour and a half just sitting and writing, letting my mind flow and typing everything I felt in a stream of consciousness manner. I was hoping to find the root of what's really bothering me and some possible solutions, but from those 3000 plus words, its hard to sift information out. Even with the things I was able to dig out of my conscious mind, I have no freaking clue what to do. Lost lost lost. Where to go? What to do? All I know is that staying still is no good.

The plans I've made have been... well, pretty much been made impossible. I hate the feeling of being helpless just as much as admitting my weaknesses, yet here I am, complying to both.

I feel helpless. I am afraid.

I feel helpless because of the stupid economic state of the US. California has long been screwed over and as a CSU student, I can't help but feel like I'm never going to graduate. My state is poor, I get it. As a result, funding gets cut, as do classes. Registering was a pain in the butt. I couldn't get into any of my upper division classes. I couldn't even wait list for Microbiology. I had to wait list for Environment & Society, Genetics and Organic Chemistry and am numbers 8, 8, and 12 on the the wait lists, respectively. If I can't even get into my core classes, what are the chances of me graduating anytime close to when I aimed to graduate? I'm going to be here forever. I don't want to be here for forever.

Seriously, if tuition is just going to go up and furlough days are going to increase, what is the point of me staying at my school? Why should I pay a ridiculous amount of money if I can't even take the classes I need and instruction days are being reduced? I am so over California already. I want to transfer.

But... I am afraid.

There is a good handful of things to be scared of. My school is my comfort zone. Transfering would mean taking everything I am familiar with away from me. Would I be able to handle it? What if I end up too dumb to actually keep up in whatever school I transfer to? I don't even know how many of my credits would actually carry over towards graduation. What if I end up spending the same amount of time and more money at the other school and just end up doing worse? What if I end up screwing myself over more than my current situation?

But I'm not happy now. I'm incredibly frustrated. Where to go? What to do?

Feedback? I just want some peace of mind. This quarter, its been difficult just to keep focused in school. I wanna figure my life out as best as possible, before I turn 20. I need the rest of the quarter to study my ass off and do super mega double awesome on my finals. I have 11 days...

Let the countdown begin.

Public entry? Why hello there f-list stalkers. Allow me to share something totally not fandom related.

My life has been up and down lately, but I've been working hard to get through it.

Anyhoodles~ FUTURE GOALS are fun. As I'm heading towards taking upper division classes for my major, I really need to route out everything I want to take to make sure my core and elective support help with what I want to do. I also need to make sure I get my shit done so last minute I'm not flipping out going OMFG I NEEDED TO TAKE THIS? DO THIS AND GET THIS DONE?! Yeah. Moving on~

GRAD SCHOOL PLANNING!
What do I want to focus on? IDK. Cellular and Molecular? Neurobio? I like the brain~ Biology in general? We'll see~ This is what my upper division classes are supposed to help me figure out. I wanna take some hematology, neuro, physio, and virology classes to see what they're like. IF THEY END UP KILLING ME AT LEAST I'LL NO LONGER BE CURIOUS. RIGHT? RIGHT.

In terms of grad schools~ Okay the first is SUPER unattainable unless I turn genius over night or something but its fun to aim high, because you just never really know right? Right.
John Hopkins! (LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.)
University of Maryland
McGill (Oh hai thar Montreal~<3)
Georgetown

I need to think of more possible ones, plan on visiting the ones I'm already considering and contact who I think I want to study under to show my enthusiasm~
I need to keep in contact with my favorite professors too. Letters of recommendation DX!
Gotta boost my GPA too. I'm not satisfied with it at the moment, though its better than some people I know.

If all doesn't go well I still have back up plans. Not too exciting, but at least I have a cushion.
Grad school at my current school! LOL. NO TY. I love it and all, but I haaaaaaaaate socal. So bad. SO bad. I wanna GTFO ): Its not for me.
Lab tech for hospitals. BS in Biological Sciences apparently is enough to do that. I like being in the lab. I actually love being in the lab. I don't think the labs I've worked in really allow my statement to be legit because I know I need more experience.

Did I mention I'm going to take the freakin ochem series for my elective support courses? Oh yes. If I make it out alive, I will be sooooo shocked. I'm sooo not graduating until 2012 unless I kill myself and take physics and the ochem series AT THE SAME TIME. Death death death. If I remember correctly, I like trig. I'm good at math... other than stats and calc. I think.

Anyhoodles~ Wish me luck bbys <3
I'm gonna need it.

PS - rohto hydra eye drops might just be the best thing my eyes have ever experienced. ever.

i've been completely unproductive today. i woke up and was craving pancakes really bad so i made them from scratch. om nom nom. i suck at frying them though D: like really, how are you supposed to get them that pretty golden brown? mine were all spotted with white spots in between. they tasted awesome though. they just looked really weird.

and now its 6pm and i'm drinking coffee. no sleep tonightttttttt! time to be productive in the present. my future is already mapped out for me.

        S A I L O R MARZ     | |            YOU'RE W O N D E R F U L         says:
OMG CHUC WHATS THAT BEHIND JOO
        S A I L O R MARZ     | |            YOU'RE W O N D E R F U L         says:
D< damn that only works with webcams
(R)               chuuuuuuuuc     /    studying for hist          (R) says:
i actually looked behind me :gonk:
(R)               chuuuuuuuuc     /    studying for hist          (R) says:
omg :emo:

17 units.
4 lectures.
2 labs.

Let's see if I can survive the next 10 weeks and improve my GPA.

I cut my hair.
I've been playing my PSP.
I haven't been studying Korean because I can't seem to remember where I left off in the book and starting from the beginning is so... disappointing. Maybe tomorrow? After all today was just my first day of Winter Break.
I can't hang with the homies yet, cuz I don't think anyone is home yet.

I'm so bored. What else is there to do?

=/ I need lots of stuff to do so I can multitask. Wholeheartedly paying attention to one thing at a time is only needed for crucial matters.
My brain needs multitasking or else I feel like a lazy butt.

Photoshop? I've gotten bored of that too. Still a colorphobe.
Here. Have some bunnies. ;D

OLD Text Convo between Kat and I. It was just sooo amusing~

M: You're a bad influence. LOL. I'm gonna leave after i tutor this girl in math.
K: LOL, i know but in reality you love me.
M: I'm forced to. We're related. D: Love by default
K: So you feel forced to love me due to ties alone? >[
M: Yes yes. But amidst that forced love lies a speck of the real stuff. Don't feel too bad. Your sister is a heartless freak who doesn't cry. LOL.
K: I wouldn't say heartless. It's just hiding?
M: Buried deep where not many can find it. Not even you :D
K: Oh gee thanks for the ego boost.
M: I try. Can't you tell? It's so much effort but its worth it. Tee hee.

Winter TDL:
-HAIRCUT -- yeeee chopping it all off again. :D I hate long hair. I hate long hair. I hate long hair. I hate long hair. I hate long hair. I hate long hair. I hate long hair. I hate long hair. I hate long hair and mine isn't even long -____-
-PLAY FFT ON PSP. PSP TIMEEEEEEEE!!! :DD!
-Learn 2 chapters of Korean. Come on Marz. -____- don't be lazy.
-FINISH LEARNING TELL ME AND LEARN THE KISSING U DANCE 8D.. because if you tried to learn Eat You Up you'd die. LOLWUT?
-HANG WITH THE PEEEEEEEEEEEEEPS.

I shall finally spend some quality time with my PSP.

Bwah ha ha~

But sadly... exam tomorrow. -___- I sleep nao.

I'm reminded why I don't like people.

Sometimes I'd really just rather not deal with them at all.

Why so touchy?

I've come to the conclusion that I either need less superficial female friends, female friends that act like guys, more guy friends or a boyfriend.

The last option seems impossible at the moment because I like who I like and nothing more. lol. The current crushes don't seem to show much interest back or maybe I'm blind to these things still.

Anyways, I'm really really really getting sick of putting up with the bull shit those kinds of females stir up. I'm also getting so effing tired of listening to 'omg he's so hot' every single time I see them. I miss having conversation about things that matter or even things that don't matter... just as long as the conversation varies. I really am not interested in talking about boys 24/7. I've shockingly moved past that stage [/sarcasm] and am hungry for an intelligent conversation.

Sounds kind of impossible, once again. Intelligent~? Idiots don't catch cold and I haven't been sick in a while. =___= Among that aspect are other clues that hint to my declining state of mind. WHY CAN'T I UNDERSTAND CHEMISTRY?

-sigh-

I miss talking to certain people. The social life of uni is getting boring. I must depend on homework and my PSP to keep me occupied during breaks... That or somehow create a gravitational forcefield that attracts cool people like the previously stated.

If only... =/

EDIT: trufax about yours truly - I like to play FFT and listen to the FFVII soundtrack.
 It's entertaining.


Occasionally I'll even add a Chrono Cross song in there just to change things up.


and when I win a battle, I'll play the victory song too.


THIS is how awesome I am [/sarcasm]

I enjoy it. I doubt anyone else would do this.

When was the last time I had a public entry? So long ago~

I'm fine and how are you?

That was a lie. I feel sick =___=

EDIT: Final Fantasy Tactics makes me feel better. :D

Today's morning fog was a nice treat ^__^

 The Handwriting Meme
1. Your name/username.
2. Left-handed or right-handed?
3. Favourite letters to write?
4. Least favourite letters to write?
5. Write "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."
6. Tag 6 people.



My hand writing is kinda oogly...

It really isn' t good to suppress memories so much.
I'll let them come now, without resisting.

Your past is your past and there's nothing you can do about it.

Music always held such memories for me, so I had to be choosy with what I listened to, to avoid remembering what I tried to hard to forget.

It's been a few years now, so I think I should be alright. I've been going through a bunch of my old playlists and it's funny how with almost each song comes a scene, still so vivid, so clear. 

Some scenes I almost feel like crying, be it from happiness or distress. However, I still can't bring myself to cry. 

There's a reason why everyone is the way they are. 
There's a reason why I don't cry so easily. Some things just don't affect me as much anymore.

This school year, when I tell myself once again "I'll change for the better" I must remember not to lose the parts of me that are still good.

I'm bored. I haven't said that in an entry in quite a while. I don't think I've been saying it that much lately actually, even though my boredom meter has gone up. WHATSUPWITHTHAT? Oh yes... lack of talking to Kat on the phone. She's pretty busy now ehhhh? Texas does that to people? 

Let's see... I don't remember what I was going to update on or why I was composing an entry for that matter. I think I just feel like rambling on and typing stuff up in microsoft word, only to erase it seems like such a waste. Does it not?

Monday morning my parents left for Las Vegas leaving me all by my lonesome. For some reason they were freaking out ahead of time, under estimating me by thinking that I can't handle being by myself. DUDE. NEXT DOOR... when Danica and EJ are next door, how is that by myself? I spent a majority of my time over there the past few days and I must say, I love the Wii. HOLY CRAP. Addictiveeee. My arms got a workout, but it was fun. lol. And since my cousins and I stayed up until 2 am both nights just playing Mario Party, I slept next door. LOVE THE WII *___* 

Anyways, now that my parents are home, I am too. I really wanna play some more~ and I think I will tomorrow. Kim and Leilana are going next door to join our Mario Party competition andddd I'm going to teach Kim how to do the Tell Me dance.

FRIDAY! Fany Fany Fany Stephany and I are going to Rowland Heights to hit up the Korean shop to buy some asian face products and then go to cue. 

And because this wouldn't be a normal entry if I didn't talk about Kyuhyun~ Oh wait... there's a cricket on my carpet.

Okay. Anyways. XD

( Read more... )

Some people sicken me.

How can the world be so corrupt? 

 

The independent thinker is an analytical and witty person. He is normally self-confident and does not let himself get worked up by conflicts and criticism. He is very much aware of his own strengths and has no doubts about his abilities. People of this personality type are often very successful in their career as they have both competence and purposefulness. The independent thinker is an excellent strategist; logic, systematics and theoretical considerations are his world. He is eager for knowledge and always endeavours to expand and perfect his knowledge in any area which is interesting for him. Abstract thinking comes naturally to him; scientists and computer specialists are often of this type.

Korean Music Festival is today!

Expect a giant blog about it later. XD 

I'm so excited to see Suju T + Yesung, but I really wish all of them could have come. >__<
Stay safe in China, sjm.